I felt compelled to speak up and speak out by speaking my truth in the hopes that others may find the courage to walk away from a toxic relationship or an emotional abuser as I did, when I finally started to see and realize some things that my family and friends were seeing and trying to tell me all along. To quote a video,
“Emotional abuse is viewed by some therapists and researchers as sometimes being more damaging than physical abuse because it can undermine what we really think about ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, and even our whole belief about who we are and what we’re going to do with our lives.”
To quote a page (Four Abusive Behaviors That Aren’t Physical),
“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what caused them the greatest harm.”
I’d like to start off by making it abundantly clear that I’m in no way playing victim in my experiences; along with many other choices I made in my relationship that allowed for my experience to occur, the biggest was that I chose to be in the relationship (for a third time) to begin with; if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had my experiences. I alone am responsible for the choice that I made to be in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that my experiences were in any way my fault, it simply means that I am responsible. My higher consciousness needed me to learn a lesson and I simply didn’t know what it was when I made the choice. The lesson was to not allow myself to change for anyone except myself and to stand in my own power by standing up for myself in that affirmation.
One day, I found on my Facebook feed, an interesting article: 6 Signs Someone in Your Life Is A ‘Control Freak’….and What To Do About It. Right off the bat of reading this article, things were not looking good as every single bullet point was hitting a nail directly and square on the head of things that I had been seeing, especially with an attempted intervention on my behalf. I was beginning to see various manipulation tactics being used to facilitate behavioral changes to fit unrealistic expectations. I was beginning to awaken to some incredibly harsh truths and realizations about my relationship.
I had also been watching a documentary on Netflix called ‘A Girl Like Her’, which dealt with bullying. I found myself struggling to choke back tears when the one girl made the realization that she was a bully after watching hidden video camera footage of how she treated the other girl. Again, in my Facebook feed, an article appeared: 20 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship You Can’t Ignore. Once again, reading through this next article, I find that every single bullet point was right on point, beginning with degradation. Communication is the keystone of any relationship archway. If a partner is being vulnerable with their feelings and being made to feel bad or guilty for those feelings or those feelings are being negated entirely, communication is effectively destroyed along with intimacy, and it’s a surefire sign of an emotional abuser. Another is when the abuser is victimizing themselves by blaming THEIR overall unhappiness on someone else; that it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault and NEVER their own.
It takes great strength, courage, maturity, and self-confidence to walk away from toxic people.
“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.” – Jill Blakeway.
“Most people hear insults when only an observation has been made, if what is being observed is something they don’t want to own…..You cannot change that which you do not accept. Enlightenment begins with acceptance, without judgment of ‘what is’….What you deny you declare. What you declare you create. Denial of something is re-creation of it, for the very act of denying something places it there. Acceptance of something places you in control of it. That which you deny you cannot control, for you have said it is not there. Therefore, what you deny controls you.”
If you find yourself in a similar situation, please seek help or support. There is no reason to continue living in a toxic and negative environment that will slowly destroy your self-worth.
I wish my former a great 10th year in my city, all the best in finding themselves and whatever it is that they’re searching for in a partner. I know I am an incredibly amazing, strong and awesome man as well as a diamond that knows what it’s worth. I hold immense gratitude and love for the lessons learned, as they have helped me to grow. This is strike number 3, and they’re out! \m/
“Life is ‘for giving’ and in order to do that, you need to be forgiving to others – especially to those who did not give you what you thought you were going to get.”
Please share this with others you feel might be experiencing similar situations. I know it can help others.
“I know where I am going and I know the truth, and I do not have to be what you want me to be. I am free to be what I want.” — Muhammad Ali
[UPDATE] Since walking away, there have been numerous more articles appear in my Facebook feed with many commonalities between each article: 20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths Use to Silence You, 5 Things To Never Expect From A Narcissist, 6 Things That A Narcissist Will Never Do, What It Means When a Narcissist Says “I Love You”, The Secret Language of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths: How Abusers Manipulate & Traumatize Their Victims, 5 Things Said by Narcissists, & Sociopaths to Make You Feel Insane, 6 Signs You’re Arguing With A Psychopath, 7 Of The Most Harmful Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics, 8 Ways To Spot A Narcissist, 6 Things Narcissists Say, How To Prevent, Recognize & Recover From Gaslighting, How To Recognize & Neutralize Manipulation in Your Life, 3 Best-Kept Narcissist Secrets That will Make Everything Clear, 10 Behaviors Toxic People Display Before Revealing Themselves, 7 Simply Ways to Spot A Narcissist, 8 Warning Signs to Help You Spot Any Psychopath, 4 Traits of Actual Psychopaths, 5 Signs You Are In Love with a Narcissist Who Is Trying To Emotionally Abuse You!, The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate Thier Victims, and 5 Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist. Yet again, every single item listed in all articles are spot on of my experiences that I had. The manipulation technique of ‘gaslighting’ is very prevalent in a toxic relationship, where the abuser will convince a person that their perception of reality or that the recollection of events is wrong. A toxic person will also never apologize or take responsibility for their own actions or behavior, as they view themselves as being self-righteous and self-justified by always blaming others instead. Toxic people will always live in a world in which they are in control of everything; they gain security and control from the insecurities of others and aren’t interested in actually creating a ‘secure’ relationship. In doing so, this grants them the perspective of feeling superior to others. When a toxic person projects their own shortcomings onto someone else, it’s a defensive mechanism that displaces and avoids responsibility, accountability, and ownership of those shortcomings. With this idea of a toxic person unwilling to take responsibility or accountability for their shortcomings, I was also provided another article explaining why a lot of relationships end: The 5 Relationship Stages. To quote the article, the Power Struggle stage is where most relationships end when one partner finds it “all too easy to quit halfway along the journey and end the relationship because it’s just too much hard work….They’re usually unwilling to face aspects of themselves that feel too scary to face or confront.”
From social media public figure, Vex King,
1. Nearly all of us go through crappy relationships where villains play the roles of victims and keep us captive in their toxic ways.
2. Removing yourself from such a relationship takes great strength and courage. Saying goodbye to them, no matter how unhealthy the relationship, can feel like you’re saying bye to your joy – forever.
3. When people learn you are single, they may be quick to join a queue for your attention and win you over. Some may be doing it purely for physical reasons. No matter what, take time to heal after a relationship.
4. It’s normal to feel broken after the relationship. Be patient and work on yourself. If you jump right back into a relationship with someone else to compensate for a love deficit, you will only end up cutting your partner (and yourself). That love should be coming from you, to yourself.
5. Healing takes as long as it does for you to accept what happened. Your heart never physically breaks, it’s just your thoughts about your heart shattering which exists. This is along with the disempowering thoughts about how you’re not worthy or something is wrong with you. In other words, real healing comes from your mindset.
6. With patience and great care, every bad relationship will lead you to be more accepting of yourself (and others). You will no longer require someone else to validate your existence.
7. Ultimately, you will create space for someone more worthy to accommodate your heart. And in that relationship, you will distinguish the difference between love and attachments – allowing you to love freely, without mistaking it for a harmful process.”
After many months of healing, reflection and listening to the audio version of Jen Sincero’s ‘You Are A Badass’, I wanted to include an excerpt of it, as I found it incredibly powerful in the reflection of my experience. I hope this piece has as much of an impact on others and helps them as it has for me. Peace, love, and light to all.
“I don’t care how long you’ve been friends with someone or how sorry you feel for them or how they really helped you those 8 million times or how hilarious, successful, hot, inspiring, desperate, scary, connected, brilliant or helpless they are, because the reason you’re having trouble standing up to them isn’t about any of that. What’s really going on is you are being faced with rewiring your limiting beliefs about yourself. And you’re using these excuses for these other people to avoid facing your own issues; your own issues about sticking up for yourself. At the end of the day, it’s not about them, it’s about you believing you are worthy of being loved and seen for who you really are. When we agree to let ourselves down in favor of supporting the bad behaviors of others, it often stems from the same impulse; we’re unwilling to make other people more uncomfortable than they just made us…by making them uncomfortable I mean declining to participate in their drama. It’s about respecting yourself instead of catering to your insecure need to be liked. When you love yourself enough to stand in your truth no matter what the cost, everyone benefits. You start attracting the kinds of things, people and opportunities that are in alignment with who you truly are; which is was more fun than hanging out with a bunch of irritating energy suckers…Never apologize for who you are; it lets the whole world down.“
Additional Resources of books and/or audio books:
Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie
Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza